Smashing Acorns - Irony - Bullies - Arrogance - Sensory Memories

We live in a very wooded area. Our deck is a playground for gray squirrels, red squirrels, chipmunks and the occasional raccoon. Every fall the deck looks like an oak tree and acorn war zone. Those darn squirrels go up in the oak trees and don't just take 1 or 2 acorns. They snip of the entire branch tip and let it fall to the ground. Most of those end up on our deck.

I'm sure you are on the edge of your seat wondering what smashing acorns have to do with irony, bullies and arrogance. Your brain is an amazing tool. We can't even begin to fathom the power of the mind.

Years ago, in another life, when I was part owner of a software development and distribution company, I discovered the joy of smashing acorns. As a business owner, the workday never stopped at 5. I would often be on the phone, working on billing reports, putting together proposals and so much more. I also often worked from home. If I was on a particularly long phone call or conference call, I found huge and strange stress relief in pacing back and forth on my deck and stepping on the acorns. The crunch of the nut and/or the top shell was weirdly satisfying.

I came home last Friday and found myself on a call and I went out to the deck. I honestly had forgotten about stepping on the acorns and there they were, waiting for me! It had been a very challenging day with multiple deadlines, problems with orders etc. I started stepping on those acorns and remembering.

There may have been a really good reason that I had forgotten about stepping and smashing those acorns. Your brain is an amazing thing and often will protect you from things you had long forgotten. Friday, my mind quickly went back to a day I was on the phone and smashing acorns.

I had gotten a call from a business consultant/coach our company had hired at about 6 pm. I don't remember the specific details of the call with a few exceptions. It was a very difficult call. He was telling me what a horrible person I was and ALL the things he thought were wrong with me. He told me I was never going to succeed (ok maybe that was my interpretation). At the time of the call, I found my head spinning, I was totally taken off guard and I found myself trying to defend myself.

At one point in the call (here is the irony), he said that I reminded him of himself. He told me that he felt (no one asked him to do this) that he needed to break me down so that he could build me back up. Yup. He told me that after about an hour of beating the crap out of me telling how useless I was. Can you imagine the ego and arrogance required to do that to someone?

So, long story short... I believe very strongly in the power of the brain and memories. Scents or smells are the most common, the smell of a certain perfume or cologne, baking bread or cookies, they can bring back a flood of memories. Sounds, like music, certain hymns or songs from your first dance also have strong ties to memories.  

This is the first time I have experienced a physical memory. The stepping on those acorns in addition to the sound of the crunch, took me back to that phone call with that "business coach" and the horrible things he said to me to "break me down, in order to build me up."  Please, don't ever do that to someone. I don't care how well intentioned you are, it is horrible.

You may wonder how that all ended up? We fired him. My next call was to one of my business partners. I needed to know if he knew the "coach" was going to do that. He said he did not. Thankfully my partner had my back and agreed it was not helpful, productive or kind. 

On Friday, when that memory came up, I was able to let it all go. I guess you could say I forgave him, but I also know how much of a success I am and that he did not destroy me or my future. I didn't let him.

Never underestimate the power of your brain. 

Milestones

 Life is full of many milestones. We measure progress and growth with many different steps and stages in life.  This is especially true when you have children. You know, the height measurement on the wall or the back of the door?  Not every person decides to become a parent.  Parenting is certainly not for the faint of heart. I can remember my Mother telling me that life would be very lonely when you get older if you don't have children. I didn't understand that, but I am beginning to see that. Why are we in such a hurry to grow up and then we want to slow down the aging process?

When you become a parent, your world changes. You are responsible for the life of another being. I remember so many changes when I became pregnant. I didn't like flying much anymore. It wasn't just my life; I was responsible for another life! 

I remember being pregnant. I was NOT a good pregnant person. Control freaks don't do well when hormones make you out of control. As we were setting up the nursery, I remember sitting on the floor, listening to a CD of baby lullaby music and crying my eyes out. I wasn't sad. I was overwhelmed with what was ahead of us. When I first held you, I thought my heart would burst. You cannot understand or comprehend that love. It is different than loving your parents, your siblings or even your spouse. That tiny person is a part of you. That tiny person holds your heart. The depth of that love is beyond comprehension.

Not to gloss over the process, but you measure that life in a series of milestones.

1. Birth
2. Baptism
3. Kindergarten 
4. 1st Grade
5. Jr. High/Middle School
6. Confirmation
7. First Dance
8. First Date
9. High School
10. Driver's License 
11. Graduation
12. College (for those choosing to attend)
13. Graduation
14. First Apartment
15. First Full Time Job

All of a sudden you get to this place, and you don't know how you got here. How did it happen so quickly. Where did our baby girl go?

Celebrate the milestones and treasure the moments. There are no more toys in our tub or on the living room floor.  Grandma's annoyingly loud PT Cruiser toy is no more. Singing on the fireplace with the toy microphone is silent. No one shouts, 'naked naked naked' before bath time. Her room is empty, but the house and my heart are full of memories.

I remember when Elsie was learning to drive. One day I looked over at her and realized that her driving meant that someday, she would drive away and out of our home. You know that is the logical step in life, but I don't know if you can ever prepare for that. 

Last Friday was the 5-year anniversary of us moving Elsie into college. She went a full year early and we knew she was ready. It didn't make it easy, but we knew she was ready to fly. 

On Saturday we hit another major milestone.

SHE SAID YES. 

Elsie is engaged. To see the joy in her face and the love in her heart melted my heart. We know her, inside and outside and both are beautiful.  She has all the best traits of her Dad and me, and some of our not so good traits. She is her own, unique and amazing person. She is loving, generous, demanding, fierce, caring, talented, opinionated (maybe a little pig headed), incredibly smart, driven, competitive, she talks loudly, nosey, she loves with her whole being, and she is maybe a little high maintenance (it takes one to know one). She was doomed with two over achiever, perfectionist parents.  But we love all the parts of her and are so thankful she found someone that also loves all the parts of her.

    

We are thankful for Noah and his love for Elsie.  Blessings to you both on your journey.

This came in my email today and seemed appropriate to share.

The story of human intimacy is one of constantly allowing ourselves to see those we love most deeply in a new, more fractured light. Look hard. Risk that.

Cheryl Strayed

A Village/A Community

 People need people. Even introverts need people. Yup I said it. Maybe it doesn't seem like it, but let's face it everyone deserves to be loved and needs to feel love, compassion and even companionship. The last two years have been so hard for so many people. Families have been separated and torn apart. Friends were restricted to not being face to face. Businesses were not face to face with their clients. People were and many still are working from home, alone. 

A beloved introvert said to me the other day, I don't think Covid was good for me. What he meant was that he liked being with people even less than he did before. Social media and the divisive nature of our society doesn't help that at all. The number of people judging people and rejecting people for personal beliefs of all sorts is unprecedented.

Your village, or your community could be a group of friends, your church, your co-workers, your neighbors or even your family. Your village/community does not have to be huge; it can be a few trusted people in your lives. If you have been a part of a community and felt that support and love, you know exactly what I mean.

When you lose that community, or have to leave that community, you may not realize the hole in your life. Trust me, it is there. 

We recently ran into a couple that was part of a former village/community for my family. It had been probably 10 years since I had seen them. IT WAS SO WONDERFUL to see them. It triggered a lot of memories.

As we chatted, we found out they were still part of the physical location that is that community, but they felt over the years the community had been destroyed by its' current leadership. It broke my heart. At the same time, it made me realize that I was missing that community. I was missing that village.  The people, yes, but more the feeling, the comfort, the trust that these people would have your back if you needed it.

If you have that community anywhere, hold on to it. It is precious. It is important. 

It appears it may be time to go on a soul-searching adventure. I need to find that sense of community again. Maybe I can bless someone else that also is feeling that they are without community.

Crochet & Memories

 I have been crocheting a lot since Covid started. I find it fulfilling to create things with my hands. I have never thought of myself as crafty or creative, but I enjoy using my hands to create. My Mother used to knit and crochet. She taught me how to do both many years ago. It is both a visual kind of memory and a tactile memory. 

Shopping for yarn, was a time that we spent together at stores. Feeling the different textures, looking at the patterns on the labels and colors, oh so many choices for colors and color combinations.  We would set skeins next to each other and review the color combos talking about what we liked and what we didn't. When I was little I gravitated towards the bright colors. She was a little more subtle in her color selection. 

When we got home, each skein was opened up, unfurled and I would hold it between my two hands while she wound the skein up into a ball. We would talk about life, the world, friends, family and just really anything that came to mind while she wound that yarn. 

I remember her sitting in the chair with her feet up and a large blanket in her lap.

When she got older, she suffered from arthritis in her hands and she couldn't crochet as much. We would still sit together on a Sunday afternoon after eating dinner together. That was a family tradition even after I moved out of the house. Church together on Sunday morning and then Sunday dinner with my parents. After I was married, my husband joined me for Sunday dinners.

When my husband and I got pregnant the first time, we wanted to let our parents know right away. I bought yarn and a pattern for a baby blanket. Wrapped it up and gave it to her to open asking her to make it for me. We all cried tears of joy together. It is still a treasured blanket to me.  

When my Mother passed away, I got some of her left over yarn and a blanket that she had started but never finished. I recently got that out. I made a couple of pumpkins with some of the variegated yarn. While making those pumpkins it was a connection I hadn't felt in a long time. I held the yarn in my hand, ran it through my fingers, knowing that she had held that very yarn in her hands. Memories flooded back and I felt a real peace. I love that connection I have to her in my crochet work. 

What traditions do you carry on from your parents and family?

And Then You Were Gone

 

And then you were gone.

One day I blinked, and you were gone.

I wasn’t ready.

I didn’t know.

The pain.

The hurt.

The sorrow

That went with you leaving.

Had I known?

I would have spent more time loving you.

Being With You.

Being Intentional.

And now?

It’s too late.

Sadness.

Sorrow.

Regrets.

A College Graduate

 Just yesterday I remember sitting on the floor of your soon to be nursery, listening to lullabies and crying. Crying with joy and because I was so overwhelmed. 

I had no idea what was in store for us on the journey ahead. But I knew that I loved you with every part of my being. The journey isn't over and neither is yours and my heart is so full of love and pride I think it may burst. I will write more about this later. But for right now I want to share sweet Elsie's reflections.

NOTE:  PHOTOS ARE FROM HER FRESHMAN MOVE IN DAY.

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There are changes that occur when you grow that no one tells you about. Things that individually stay small but eventually add up to feel catastrophic. When you’re a child no one tells you that soda turns into alcohol, bikes become cars, hugs turn into kisses which hold the possibility of leading to something more. When I was younger sitting on my dad’s shoulders was the highest place on earth. The biggest problem I faced was trying to get the whiffle ball out of the nettles that lined the fence of my back yard without the itchy white bumps that were guaranteed when you brushed against their leaves. War was only a never-ending card game and the most pain I ever felt was from a scrapped knee. Oh, the irony that I see when I realize that I couldn’t wait to grow up.

College has ended almost as quickly as it started. I am left to ask the simple question, “where to now”? The transition from the education system that I have spent the past 18 years in to the real world is daunting to say the least. You have so many ideas in your head, plans that you were so certain would come to fruition and instead you are met with chaos and the realization that the world is so far out of your control.

I couldn’t wait to grow up. I was always looking forward, years down the road. Growing up was funny though because I never actually felt older. When I was a kid in the summer, I had nannies, who were in high school. They were 16 years old and lived in my neighborhood; they had a car and a boyfriend. I thought they were so cool, and I couldn’t wait to be their age and be that grown up. Well, I turned 16, I got a car, and a boyfriend and it was nothing like 5-year-old me thought it would be. I realized that at 16 I didn’t feel grown up and I definitely wasn’t. At 16 I had friends that were leaving and going to college and I couldn’t wait till I got there. I thought surely when I was in college, I would feel older, feel like an adult. Well, I went to college and it was nothing like 16-year-old me thought it would be. I definitely had more freedom than when I was high school, but in many ways that freedom showed me just how easy it was to be irresponsible. Even with the freedom I didn’t exactly feel like an adult. During college I nannied the sweetest little boy, the two years I was with him he was in 2^nd and 3^rd  grade. He used to say to me, “Elsie, you’re an adult because your old but you’re not a grownup because you aren’t old old”. I chuckle thinking back to these conversations because somehow this 7-year-old cutie knew exactly how to describe what I was feeling. I thought surely when I graduate college, I would feel older, I would finally be a real adult. Well, here I am about to graduate college with a double major and a minor (not so humble brag, I know. But come on, I worked hard) and it is nothing like 18-year-old me thought it would be. I don’t just mean because I am graduating college in the second year of a global pandemic.

While I do not feel the way that I once thought that I would after graduating college, in many ways, I do feel older. I feel older because my life is so much richer than it was four years ago. I have built relationships, lived experiences, and battled through hardships that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I have had some of my greatest successes and some of my biggest failures. I have loved and I have lost, but above all I have grown. See now I realize that when I was younger, I was placing the emphasis on the wrong word. Life is not about growing UP but rather about simply growing.

My time in the classroom is ending, at least for now, but that doesn’t mean my education is ending. I will stop learning when I stop breathing, then and only then. My instruction has taught me tolerance, its has taught me how to bounce back from countless failures, it has helped me be more openminded, it has given me a passion, a passion to do well for myself but more importantly to do good for this world. College has shown me who I am, and I have to believe that even though 5-year-old me would be disappointed that I was wrong time and time again she would be proud of how far we have come and how far we are going to go. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be that being grown up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

So here I am, a 21-year-old college graduate, an adult that’s still learning and still growing. Behind me lie all my memories, ideas, and thoughts of how the world works. Before me are all of my dreams for myself and the world. Around me are all the people who love me and who I love right back. Lastly within me, I have everything I need to move forward in love, kindness, grace, and goodness. 

Going Home

 It is no secret that our family has been incredibly stressed due to the virus that has affected the world.  As small business owners that depend on live events to earn a living, it has been a challenge to say the least.

One of the things that has gotten me through this time, is my faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. With the extra time on our hands, I have been reading the bible, praying and studying more than I have in years.  Maybe God needed to do something big to get our attention again?

I have had an issue with the closing of churches.  I strongly believe in a time like this, we need God and we need the fellowship of church and other church goers more than ever.  Before everyone gets their undies in a bunch, I don't envy any church making the decision to stay open or to close. But I still am of the opinion that if you can go to a grocery store, a Walmart, a Target, a Costco or the World's Largest Candy Store that you can worship safely.  This is not a criticism of any church, just simply my opinion.

I also am of the opinion, if you are high risk or are in regular contact with people that are high risk?  You should stay home.

All that being said was simply background to understand where we are today.

Last week, (March 4th) I got to go back to church to work with our church confirmation youth band, Holy Commotion.  I didn't even realize how much I missed those kids and I missed sharing our faith through music.  

The world is broken in so many ways.  These kids have always been a light in the world to me so many others. I have felt so lost without a church family to lean on during these incredibly difficult times.  I see the depravity of the world and it's brokenness every day.

While the band was warming up, our final song was Messiah.  They sang it beautifully.  We hadn't been together in over a year and I got chills.  We need Jesus more than ever.  I am broken but made whole.

I said to our son when we were done last Wednesday, "It felt like going home."

MESSIAH

Someone's shouting from the dessert. Someone's shouting from the sea.
Someone's shouting from the mountain. Someone's shouting from the valley.

Messiah, Come and be our King.
Messiah, Come and be our King.

Someone's shouting from the city. I am young, I am cold.
Someone's shouting from the country. I am lonely, I am old.

Messiah, Come and be our King.
Messiah, Come and be our King.

Someone's shouting I am broken. Someone's shouting make me whole.
Someone's shouting come and change me. Someone's shouting save my soul.

Messiah, Come and be our King.
Messiah, Come and be our King.

(Larry Olson, ©1989 Dakota Road Music)