Day 4 Sucks - Turning Your Day Right Side Up

Today just totally got off on the wrong foot.   Last night before I went to bed, I found a rash under my arms that I didn't like.   So I spent a lot of last night with my good friend Dr. Google.   I don't recommend becoming a friend of this particular Doctor.  By the time I was done reading, I was stressed, anxious and couldn't sleep.

This morning I did not get up and do my devotion.   I did not do my gratitude list.   I did not do my essential oil protocol.  I felt shaky and just REALLY WANTED FOOD.  We did not go to the gym.  I wanted to quit. 

I did not give in.   I tried to settle my mind and my heart.  I did some deep breathing.   I did a couple devotionals on the drive to work.   Amazing things happened.   My breathing slowed.   My heart rate slowed.  And I no longer feel shaky.   We have all had those days where the stress seems to consume you and the day just spirals out of control.  You stub your toe, you spill your coffee, traffic is bad and by the time to get to work you are wound up pretty tight!   The day doesn't seem to go well from there.  Right? 

All last night I was writing a nasty email response to someone in my head.   I wanted to say all the things that pissed me off.   Do you ever do that?  Write emails in your head?   Or have conversations in your head with what you want to say to someone when you are angry with them.   So counterproductive.    Really.   It puts your mind in a negative place and then puts your heart in that negative place also.  When you get to work you can even change the attitudes of the people around you.   You change their vibrations/frequency.  Have you met people like that?   I can them perennial life suckers.   You know the type?  The people that seem to suck the air out of a room.  The people that if you spend too much time with them, your shoulders are tense, you have a headache and you get crabby.  Those people actually lowered your frequency!

Frequencies.  Everything has a frequency.   Things like meditation, praying and deep breathing naturally raise your frequency.   Things like illness and stress lower your frequency.  Essential oils raise your frequency (more about that another day).  This is actually science not hocus pocus mumbo jumbo and I have learned a lot about it, but I am NOT an expert.

After I got to work.   I wrote the email.   But it was not at all what I said last night.   I am drinking my juice.   I put some frankincense (very gounding) over my heart and took 5 deep breaths of frankincense.  I am going to plug in some relaxing music and do my gratitude journal now. 

The moral of the story?   Sometimes your days get inside out.   You can always make the decision to right them before they get out of control.   You have that control over yourself. 

I will continue on.   I have not cared for my body for a number of years.   It is time.  I am worth it.  I am worthy. 

Blessings to you all today!  I know that you are there cheering me on, and I am cheering for you too!

#IAMWORTHY
#THISISMYJOURNEY

If you want to learn more about frequencies or frankincense, here are a couple of posts from other essential oils lovers!

Frequencies
Frankincense
More On Frequencies

Do You Love Yourself? I Didn't. - Day 3

If you read my first post, you know that I have known I needed to clean up my diet and get rid of some extra fat I have been carrying around for a while.   What made me decide to finally take the plunge and get started?   It wasn't just one thing.   It wasn't just the horrible words that were spoken about me.   It has been a series of events over a number of months.

One of those eye opening moments was when I was doing an online affirmation.  When I started the affirmation, it told me to have my phone ready and to go to the camera.  I really didn't know what that meant or what I was in for. 

Let's talk about affirmations for a minute.   I have been learning and studying the affects of positive language and mindset on the brain and on your life.   It is really incredible how it all works and the benefits of having a positive attitude.

We have already talked about the benefits of starting your day with writing in a gratitude journal.   I will talk more about that in another post and the amazing health benefits that come through gratitude and meditation.    Yikes.   I have so much I want to share with you.   Look squirrel. 

Back to those affirmations and the wonderful woman that wanted me to have my camera ready.   It was an entire affirmation about loving yourself.   I went through the paces, listened to all the things she said and even said the mantras along with her.   I don't think my heart was in it.  At the end?  She said turn your camera on and flip it towards yourself.  Her instructions:

Look yourself in the eye and say, 'I Am Worthy Of Love'.

I COULDN'T DO IT.   I could not tell myself I was worthy of love.   What an eye opening experience.   I cried.  I seriously cried.   Clearly something is going on with me right?  Everyone is worthy of love.  I did a lot of praying, a lot of reading and meditating.   Of course, my feelings became true when that wonderful person said about me, "Did You See How Fat She Is?".   You can read about those fateful words HERE.  I told my family about this and my daughter gave me this...

This week as I started the next phase of my wellness journey, I am not focusing just on getting rid of some of the extra fat I am carrying on my God given body.  I am also focusing on my spiritual and mental wellness.   I believe one of the reasons I have not been able to lose the weight and keep it off is because I didn't think I was worthy of love.

I am going to say that again.   This is important! 

ONE OF THE REASONS I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO LOSE THE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF IS BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK I WAS WORTHY OF LOVE.

Fast forward to today.   I am on Day 4 of a Juice Cleanse.  But I am also cleansing my mind and my spirit.  I am doing an essential oil protocol twice a day.   We already know I am starting each day with a devotion and a gratitude journal. 

My current affirmation?   I AM WORTHY OF LOVE, I AM STRONG AND LEAD AN ABUNDANT LIFE.

This morning when I did my oil regimen and said my affirmation out loud multiple times, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and without thinking about it....   I SMILED.  It was not forced.   It just happened.   I smiled at myself when I said I Am Worthy Of Love.

I get the chills just typing this.  Remember three months ago, I could not even say it!  Literally my throat closed up and I could not make myself say the words.   It was the strangest thing to experience.

I know this is a huge win for me on my journey.   I have a small group where I have done some guided meditations with them on Facebook.  I am going to start that group up again.  If you want an invite, let me know!

Have you had any moments like this?  AHA moments?   Send me a message or comment here!  I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!

Cleanse Update

No night sweats at all last night!  Energy levels seem to be improving.  Hunger pains have minimized.   Scale has moved quite a bit, but I am not focusing on the scale.  I know the first bits of weight loss will be primarily water weight.

Exercise Update

We did go to the gym yesterday afternoon and I did 55 minutes on the recumbent bike.   After we got home, Elsie asked if I wanted to go on a bike ride.  Time with teen children is precious so I said yes.  We went for an hour ride.   I may regret that later.  But I am moving and burning calories.

#IAMWORTHY
#THISISMYJOURNEY

I Had a Hunch - Day One Is In The Books - Day 2 Juice Cleanse

Holy cow.   I had a hunch that many other people, especially Moms, might be in the same boat as I am.   I HAD NO IDEA.   The outpouring from everyone, friends, family, and even strangers is AMAZING.  I have been told numerous stories from people that are fighting the same battles.   Long time weight issues, gaining weight after the death of a loved one and so much more.

I published my first post about this journey Sunday night about 8:00 p.m. Central Standard Time.   As of noon Monday my post had over 1500 views.  This morning, the views are almost 1800!

Let's just think about that for moment.   In my small circle of influence almost 1800 people read my post.   Now, I would love to think that it was my amazing writing capabilities, my fabulous wit and wisdom, but I highly doubt it.

What it says to me, is that many people have similar issues!  What I know is that every person has what it takes inside them to do something about it.

So, what do I do with that information?   I am not completely sure yet.   I can tell you it has my  mind spinning.   I said to David, my husband, what if I could help even 1% of those 1800?  What if we could create community and do this together.  What if we could do it without all the hype, products, etc?   How AMAZING would that be?  What if we could make the world a little bit better place for people?

Cleanse Update

I took all my measurements yesterday and scale weight.   I will share my progress at the end of the 10 days in pounds and inches lost.   I do not have the ability to do body fat analysis and it is just a number to me.   If I feel good, that is enough for me.

Elsie had a pretty bad headache and slept a lot last night.  She woke up again this morning with a headache.   I will write more about this tomorrow.   I truly believe this is a sugar detox for her.  She doesn't eat a lot of sugar due to her intestinal issues, but before we started the cleanse she had quite a bit.

Yesterday afternoon, between 3 and 4, I just wanted to sleep.   Tiny headache but not a big one.   I know I did not drink enough water yesterday.  I was hungry, but it was not unbearable.

Improvements

I am post menopausal, but I still suffer from night sweats.   I believe the night sweats are more a function of toxins in my body and the extra weight I am carrying.  Last night's night sweats were VERY minimal and I really felt that I slept better and felt more rested this morning.

Self Discovery!

I made egg rolls for David for dinner last night and I learned something about myself.  I eat because it is there, not because I am hungry.   When I get home from work, I would usually eat something.   That something would most likely NOT have been fruits or veggies.   Also while cooking, I tend to munch on what I am preparing.  These are good things for me to learn, because it is about habits and making the habits healthy not destructive.

Exercise

I have not yet resumed my exercise routine.   I do have my workout clothes here at the office with me this morning and we are going to the gym this afternoon.

#THISISMYJOURNEY
#IAMWORTHY

Day One! - Ready to Juice - Gratitude Journal

Ok, juicer is out, all my veggies are purchased.   I am actually excited to start.  We were scheduled to go to Notre Dame this weekend for a baseball tournament.   They ended up telling us our team was not going.  I love watching our son play baseball, but I am thankful it was cancelled.   That will give me a good 10 days to start this cleanse before we have to go to Chicago for another tournament.

I have done a short juice cleanse before and the hardest thing is the prep and planning.   Plus I just don't have room in my fridge!!!!  My amazing daughter Elsie is joining me on this journey, but I have to cook for the guys.   That might be a challenge!  No, I take that back.   I can do it.  I have learned a lot in the last couple of years of the benefits of positive language.  We will talk about that here as we go.  But if you catch me saying things like hard, can't, challenge.   Slap me up the side of the head.   Only positive words from now on.

If you decide to do a juice cleanse, see your doctor first to check out some vitals and get permission.   It also gives you great baselines to check when you complete your cleanse.  There are many juicers out there on the market.  This time I am using the Breville.   There are a LOT of them available for a reasonable price on Facebook Marketplace.   Don't, unless you want to, pay full retail for one.

For those of you that know me, you know we are an oily family.  I will be incorporating an oily regimine for clearing negative emotions.   I didn't believe at first in the emotional benefits of the oils, but I have seen many examples so I am incorporating all that into my life change.

I will share the first thing I am planning daily. 

1.  Listing 10 things each day in a Gratitude Journal.  My goal is to do that in the morning before heading to work.  Starting my day with an attitude of gratitude is going to do wonders for my outlook!   I will share my list with you occasionally.   This exercise does not have to be hard.  You can repeat things.   It can be as simple as the sound of a bird singing.   It can be sunshine, rain, wind rustling in the leaves.   You can be grateful for just about anything!

This is my journal cover.   Caption says, "It is the light that urges the flower to open its heart to the world."  I actually purchased it in 2011, but I did not really settle in with the process.    Today that changes.  

I did my gratitude list first thing.   I takes me about 5-10 minutes, but it really sets the tone for the day.

But then, something amazing happened to me this morning.  Normally I play some stupid card games or other games on my phone.   It is completely mindless activity.   That is the key right?   It is mindless.  There is NO VALUE in it.  It does nothing to make me a better person.  This morning I sat down to play my games and the first thing that jumped out at me was my Bible App.   I can't explain it any other way than the Holy Spirit guided me.   It was really that strong.

I have a number of devotional plans going at one time.   Today I found a new plan called The Good News in 10 Days by Richard Exley.   I know nothing about him or this plan, but I started this morning.   This was sort of a face palm moment.   I am starting the day in gratitude, but before I start in gratitude, I should start in PRAYER!  DUH!  10 day devotional to correspond with a 10 day juice cleanse.  Seemed appropriate to me.

Here is a link to the app.   It is free.   https://www.bible.com/   You can join me and follow along in the plan and we can share notes on each devotion.    I signed up with my Facebook account.  I am not sure how we connect, but I believe this is my profile.  https://www.bible.com/users/lhanken   I would love for people to join me in my daily devotions as well!

The day is going well.  No hunger, no headaches.   Two juices down.  I will make fresh for tonight.  I will let you know more about day one in tomorrow's post.

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  I am full of hope.

#THISISMYJOURNEY
#IAMWORTHY

Did you see how fat she is? - A Look In The Mirror

The other day I looked in the mirror.  It seems like a pretty normal thing to do each day.  Let's face it, you comb your hair, you brush your teeth, usually in front of a mirror.  But do you ever really LOOK in the mirror?  I did.  Then I cried.  I did not recognize the face that looked back at me in the mirror.

This has been the case for a quite a while.  I wrote that paragraph probably 8 months ago.   Fast forward to June 2018.

 I have lots of reasons and lots of excuses.  But the biggest thing is as a parent, I have let my care for everyone else take precedence over the care of myself.  The result, I have put on quite a bit of weight.

Recently a friend overheard someone talking about me and about our daughter.   Over the recent years this person has said many hateful and horrible things about our daughter, but this time her self-hatred (more about this later) turned towards me.

The words,

"Did you see how fat she is?" 

Those words were spoken about me.  They were spoken about me in anger and in hate.  They were spoken by a person that honestly, I guess it doesn't surprise me.  A series of emotions went through my head.  First, I said I didn't care.  Second, I got worried that my family might be embarrassed by the way I look.   Third,  I was REALLY HURT.  Fourth, I got mad.   Now don't get me wrong, I am not going to give this person credit for opening my eyes.   I have known this for a very long time.  ''

Here is a little history.

Two years ago our daughter got very, VERY sick.  She lost 40-45 pounds, I gained it.  There is nothing worse in the world than watching a child suffer.  I would sit on the floor and watch her sleep on the sofa.  She didn't sleep in her bed because she couldn't make it up the stairs.  When she would get up in the morning, I would have to help her up off the sofa because she couldn't get up.

I quit exercising and I turned to food for comfort.   Our daughter got better after a very long battle and a LOT of medical bills.  That process added more stress to our lives.   All was well, I lost some of the weight and then this winter?  She got sick again.  Same thing all over again.  It wasn't as hard this time because we knew what we were dealing with (sort of -but that is another story).   We had trips to the emergency room because she passed out, a ton of tests and we went through it all again.

The point of this story is not about the hate,  not about the sickness, it is about me.  It is about being worthy.   I am a BELOVED CHILD OF GOD.   My family loves and supports me regardless of where I am physically at.   We are not divorced.   We are not separated.   What and who you are is what matters.  So many Mothers out there do not care for themselves.  Does that make me a failure?   ABSOLUTELY NOT!   I am human.   I am flawed.   I sin.   I am forgiven.   I am WORTHY.

Tomorrow I start a new journey for ME.   It is for me first and then for my family.   I want to feel good.  I want to have energy.   I want to drop pounds.  I want to sleep well again.  I want to fit into my closet full of clothes.   I will do these things on my own.  I am not looking for gimmicks or shakes (full of horrible chemicals).  I will do this the old fashioned way.   Will I have setbacks?   Yes.   But they do not define me or my progress.

Back to the words.   They are just words.  They define her.  They do not define me.   I have prayed about this and I am sad that she has so much self-hatred that she feels the need to say something like that about someone that has only supported her and been kind to her over the years.   She is a bully and yes words hurt.   BUT.  I have the power over what those words mean to me.  They mean NOTHING.

I have been reading and praying and know what my path is for the future.   I will care for myself.   I will eat clean (80% of the time).   I will forgive myself.   I will improve myself daily.  This is my decision after a lot of self reflection since hearing those words spoken about me.  Even though the words came from a horrible place.  I am surrounded by LOVE.  My daughter bought me a My Intent bracelet (more about that later).   The words she chose for me?  I AM WORTHY.

Guess who is joining me on this journey?   My lovely daughter.   When I asked her why she said she wanted to support me.

I will be sharing my journey through this blog and appreciate any and all your comments, support and prayers.  This is not going to be easy.  But I have the love of Christ and my family to get me through it.

Tomorrow I start a juice cleanse.   I don't know how long this will go, but one step at a time.  If my story touches you in any way, I would love for you to share it.   I know there are a lot of Mom's out there like me.

YOU TOO ARE WORTHY.   I AM WORTHY.   HATEFUL WORDS DO NOT DEFINE ME OR YOU!

Read the Day 1 update HERE!
Day 2   Here

#THISISMYJOURNEY
#IAMWORTHY

Be a Parent.

Recently I saw a post from a Dad about his daughter.  The post was as follows.

"Hello, all!
This is Susie Q's new hair color! Nice and normal! She wants to color it Orange! Yes, orange! Please "like" her hair color, now! May-be with lots and lots and lots of "likes", she will keep it this color, and not orange!"


I responded, perhaps a bit tongue in cheek, 

"I'm confused - aren't you the parent? Tell her no."  I did put a winking face on the post, but got this reply:

😁 Lori, it's 'Susie Q!' We have talked about it. She's a great student and is involved with so many things at 'some private school'...... So I pick my battles! 😁Doing pretty good as a parent, if the only thing in her life, I have problems with, is her hair color! 😀

Others commented on his post that he was a great parent and many others voted for the orange.

I was a little taken aback by the whole thing.  It is an interesting concept isn't it?  We hear this a lot, "Pick your battles".  Maybe I'm old, maybe I'm old fashioned.  My parents didn't pick their battles.  They were in charge.  Keep in mind at the time of the posting, the young lady was under 18 and living at home.

Why are we afraid to tell our children no?  Are we friends or parents?  Do we think that they won't like us?

Do you think that some of this kind of attitude is contributing to the lack of respect some of the younger generation has these days?  No, orange hair is not a huge thing.  But where does it start and where does it end?


Who is really in charge?  









wink emoticon.  

A Broken Heart - Loss in the Family

It has been a year since you left us.  I still miss you terribly.  I still look for you.

I remember the day we brought you home.  Your sweet little raccoon face.  David dropped me off at the pet adoption and parked the car with Elsie.  When he walked in the door he saw me holding you and knew that it was all over.  He knew you were coming home with us.

We named you Murphy.  Murphy's law followed you everywhere.  You were a little terror when you were younger.  Poor old man Casey.  You terrorized him to no end.  You just wanted to play and Casey just wanted to sleep.

The house seems empty, I look for you all the time.

Towards the end of your life, we had to sometimes carry you outside.  We fed you rice, people food, wet dog food, eggs.  We would look for anything that you would eat.  Sometimes you would go days without eating.  Every day you got weaker my heart broke a little more.  We never wanted you to suffer.  I still saw your heart in those big brown eyes.  You would look at me and follow me around the room with your eyes.



We lathered you with Young Living's Peace and Calming essential oil.  Once you had that on, your breathing would seem easier and you would rest.  Even to this day, I smell you when I smell Peace & Calming.  I know it made your last days easier.

The last couple of days, I would prop your head up on a pillow and lie on the floor next to you.  I would pet your ears.  You loved to have your ears rubbed.  You would bury your head between our legs and snuggle.  That was your snuggle.

The house is no longer full of large clumps of your under coat.  Holy cow you shed ALL THE TIME.  With the Elk Hound undercoat you could pull masses of hair out of you.  In the Spring the birds loved it.  They would come down on the deck to add to their nests while I brushed you.

You marched to your own drum.  Man, you were pig headed.  You would come when you wanted and ignore us when you didn't want to come.  You were the alpha male.  When we would throw the tennis ball, you had no interest in actually getting it.  You just wanted to be sure that Lucy didn't get it.  You would charge at her and she would drop the ball and lay down on her back to let you have it.  She loved you!  She would lick your face and your ears with her tail wagging a hundred miles an hour.

You could NOT be outside when the kids were sledding.  You would run after them, pull their mittens off and playfully nip at their heals.  When Elsie was a toddler I actually hit her in the head with a tennis ball.  She was running up the hill and you were playfully nipping at her heals.  I meant to throw the ball at you (not hard) to get you to stop.  I hit her instead.  I was never a softball player!  You NEVER hurt the kids.  It was just your way of playing.

You often thought you were a lap dog.  You were 55 pounds of a mack truck like dog but you were a lover.  So many times you would jump up on Elsie and try to lay in her lap.  You would scratch her legs but you would curl up in a ball to be on her lap.

You did learn to love Porter again.  When Porter was a toddler, he would lay on you.  He might have occasionally annoyed you a bit.  You kept away from him for a few years.  Although there were times at night, after we had all gone to bed, when Porter would let you up on the sofa.  You weren't supposed to be on that sofa, but he would be up late and you would crawl up there to snuggle with him.  The last 3 or so years you reconnected with him!  He was so excited.

You loved the water.  When we used to go up to our lake home, you would go out in the water and just lie down.  I am sure you were hot with all that fur and it must have felt great.  You would stick your entire head under water chasing something in your imagination.  The smell of wet dog.  Nothing like it and with all your fur?  It took forever to dry.

One place you really despised?  Vets.  It didn't matter how nice they were or what they were doing, you wanted no part of it.  We routinely had to muzzle you when we would go.  I had to do the muzzling, you sure wouldn't let them do that.  

When you were younger you had a lump on your side.  I took you to the vet.  It was just simply never a pleasant experience.  They looked at it, looked at you, took some samples and I waited.   I waited, by myself in that room and my mind started to go crazy.  I called David and said, "What if it is cancer?".  I waited some more.  I will never forget the feeling in my stomach when they finally came back after what seemed like an eternity.  It was cancer.  Somehow I knew. The big C word.  A dog is part of our family.  What in the world would we do?  Would you die?  

They told me it was one of 3 kinds.  1.  Benign, 2.  Could Re-occur, 3. It Would Kill You.  They had to remove it and do biopsies to find out.  

Your memory is an amazing thing.  When I close my eyes I can remember being in that room with you.  I remember the sounds, I remember the smells.  I remember burying my head in your fur and crying with worry.  You comforted me more than I comforted you.

They removed the mass and then came the dreaded CONE period.  Oh my, you hated it, just like every other dog on the planet.  You were big and clumsy.  Running into doors, walls.  And of course, then, more waiting.  This did not kill you.  It was the second type and it never came back.  You were too strong and stubborn to let it come back.

I still look for you.  I still think of you.  You are forever loved.