Did you see how fat she is? - A Look In The Mirror

The other day I looked in the mirror.  It seems like a pretty normal thing to do each day.  Let's face it, you comb your hair, you brush your teeth, usually in front of a mirror.  But do you ever really LOOK in the mirror?  I did.  Then I cried.  I did not recognize the face that looked back at me in the mirror.

This has been the case for a quite a while.  I wrote that paragraph probably 8 months ago.   Fast forward to June 2018.

 I have lots of reasons and lots of excuses.  But the biggest thing is as a parent, I have let my care for everyone else take precedence over the care of myself.  The result, I have put on quite a bit of weight.

Recently a friend overheard someone talking about me and about our daughter.   Over the recent years this person has said many hateful and horrible things about our daughter, but this time her self-hatred (more about this later) turned towards me.

The words,

"Did you see how fat she is?" 

Those words were spoken about me.  They were spoken about me in anger and in hate.  They were spoken by a person that honestly, I guess it doesn't surprise me.  A series of emotions went through my head.  First, I said I didn't care.  Second, I got worried that my family might be embarrassed by the way I look.   Third,  I was REALLY HURT.  Fourth, I got mad.   Now don't get me wrong, I am not going to give this person credit for opening my eyes.   I have known this for a very long time.  ''

Here is a little history.

Two years ago our daughter got very, VERY sick.  She lost 40-45 pounds, I gained it.  There is nothing worse in the world than watching a child suffer.  I would sit on the floor and watch her sleep on the sofa.  She didn't sleep in her bed because she couldn't make it up the stairs.  When she would get up in the morning, I would have to help her up off the sofa because she couldn't get up.

I quit exercising and I turned to food for comfort.   Our daughter got better after a very long battle and a LOT of medical bills.  That process added more stress to our lives.   All was well, I lost some of the weight and then this winter?  She got sick again.  Same thing all over again.  It wasn't as hard this time because we knew what we were dealing with (sort of -but that is another story).   We had trips to the emergency room because she passed out, a ton of tests and we went through it all again.

The point of this story is not about the hate,  not about the sickness, it is about me.  It is about being worthy.   I am a BELOVED CHILD OF GOD.   My family loves and supports me regardless of where I am physically at.   We are not divorced.   We are not separated.   What and who you are is what matters.  So many Mothers out there do not care for themselves.  Does that make me a failure?   ABSOLUTELY NOT!   I am human.   I am flawed.   I sin.   I am forgiven.   I am WORTHY.

Tomorrow I start a new journey for ME.   It is for me first and then for my family.   I want to feel good.  I want to have energy.   I want to drop pounds.  I want to sleep well again.  I want to fit into my closet full of clothes.   I will do these things on my own.  I am not looking for gimmicks or shakes (full of horrible chemicals).  I will do this the old fashioned way.   Will I have setbacks?   Yes.   But they do not define me or my progress.

Back to the words.   They are just words.  They define her.  They do not define me.   I have prayed about this and I am sad that she has so much self-hatred that she feels the need to say something like that about someone that has only supported her and been kind to her over the years.   She is a bully and yes words hurt.   BUT.  I have the power over what those words mean to me.  They mean NOTHING.

I have been reading and praying and know what my path is for the future.   I will care for myself.   I will eat clean (80% of the time).   I will forgive myself.   I will improve myself daily.  This is my decision after a lot of self reflection since hearing those words spoken about me.  Even though the words came from a horrible place.  I am surrounded by LOVE.  My daughter bought me a My Intent bracelet (more about that later).   The words she chose for me?  I AM WORTHY.

Guess who is joining me on this journey?   My lovely daughter.   When I asked her why she said she wanted to support me.

I will be sharing my journey through this blog and appreciate any and all your comments, support and prayers.  This is not going to be easy.  But I have the love of Christ and my family to get me through it.

Tomorrow I start a juice cleanse.   I don't know how long this will go, but one step at a time.  If my story touches you in any way, I would love for you to share it.   I know there are a lot of Mom's out there like me.

YOU TOO ARE WORTHY.   I AM WORTHY.   HATEFUL WORDS DO NOT DEFINE ME OR YOU!

Read the Day 1 update HERE!
Day 2   Here

#THISISMYJOURNEY
#IAMWORTHY