And Then You Were Gone

 

And then you were gone.

One day I blinked, and you were gone.

I wasn’t ready.

I didn’t know.

The pain.

The hurt.

The sorrow

That went with you leaving.

Had I known?

I would have spent more time loving you.

Being With You.

Being Intentional.

And now?

It’s too late.

Sadness.

Sorrow.

Regrets.

A College Graduate

 Just yesterday I remember sitting on the floor of your soon to be nursery, listening to lullabies and crying. Crying with joy and because I was so overwhelmed. 

I had no idea what was in store for us on the journey ahead. But I knew that I loved you with every part of my being. The journey isn't over and neither is yours and my heart is so full of love and pride I think it may burst. I will write more about this later. But for right now I want to share sweet Elsie's reflections.

NOTE:  PHOTOS ARE FROM HER FRESHMAN MOVE IN DAY.

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There are changes that occur when you grow that no one tells you about. Things that individually stay small but eventually add up to feel catastrophic. When you’re a child no one tells you that soda turns into alcohol, bikes become cars, hugs turn into kisses which hold the possibility of leading to something more. When I was younger sitting on my dad’s shoulders was the highest place on earth. The biggest problem I faced was trying to get the whiffle ball out of the nettles that lined the fence of my back yard without the itchy white bumps that were guaranteed when you brushed against their leaves. War was only a never-ending card game and the most pain I ever felt was from a scrapped knee. Oh, the irony that I see when I realize that I couldn’t wait to grow up.

College has ended almost as quickly as it started. I am left to ask the simple question, “where to now”? The transition from the education system that I have spent the past 18 years in to the real world is daunting to say the least. You have so many ideas in your head, plans that you were so certain would come to fruition and instead you are met with chaos and the realization that the world is so far out of your control.

I couldn’t wait to grow up. I was always looking forward, years down the road. Growing up was funny though because I never actually felt older. When I was a kid in the summer, I had nannies, who were in high school. They were 16 years old and lived in my neighborhood; they had a car and a boyfriend. I thought they were so cool, and I couldn’t wait to be their age and be that grown up. Well, I turned 16, I got a car, and a boyfriend and it was nothing like 5-year-old me thought it would be. I realized that at 16 I didn’t feel grown up and I definitely wasn’t. At 16 I had friends that were leaving and going to college and I couldn’t wait till I got there. I thought surely when I was in college, I would feel older, feel like an adult. Well, I went to college and it was nothing like 16-year-old me thought it would be. I definitely had more freedom than when I was high school, but in many ways that freedom showed me just how easy it was to be irresponsible. Even with the freedom I didn’t exactly feel like an adult. During college I nannied the sweetest little boy, the two years I was with him he was in 2^nd and 3^rd  grade. He used to say to me, “Elsie, you’re an adult because your old but you’re not a grownup because you aren’t old old”. I chuckle thinking back to these conversations because somehow this 7-year-old cutie knew exactly how to describe what I was feeling. I thought surely when I graduate college, I would feel older, I would finally be a real adult. Well, here I am about to graduate college with a double major and a minor (not so humble brag, I know. But come on, I worked hard) and it is nothing like 18-year-old me thought it would be. I don’t just mean because I am graduating college in the second year of a global pandemic.

While I do not feel the way that I once thought that I would after graduating college, in many ways, I do feel older. I feel older because my life is so much richer than it was four years ago. I have built relationships, lived experiences, and battled through hardships that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I have had some of my greatest successes and some of my biggest failures. I have loved and I have lost, but above all I have grown. See now I realize that when I was younger, I was placing the emphasis on the wrong word. Life is not about growing UP but rather about simply growing.

My time in the classroom is ending, at least for now, but that doesn’t mean my education is ending. I will stop learning when I stop breathing, then and only then. My instruction has taught me tolerance, its has taught me how to bounce back from countless failures, it has helped me be more openminded, it has given me a passion, a passion to do well for myself but more importantly to do good for this world. College has shown me who I am, and I have to believe that even though 5-year-old me would be disappointed that I was wrong time and time again she would be proud of how far we have come and how far we are going to go. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be that being grown up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

So here I am, a 21-year-old college graduate, an adult that’s still learning and still growing. Behind me lie all my memories, ideas, and thoughts of how the world works. Before me are all of my dreams for myself and the world. Around me are all the people who love me and who I love right back. Lastly within me, I have everything I need to move forward in love, kindness, grace, and goodness. 

Going Home

 It is no secret that our family has been incredibly stressed due to the virus that has affected the world.  As small business owners that depend on live events to earn a living, it has been a challenge to say the least.

One of the things that has gotten me through this time, is my faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. With the extra time on our hands, I have been reading the bible, praying and studying more than I have in years.  Maybe God needed to do something big to get our attention again?

I have had an issue with the closing of churches.  I strongly believe in a time like this, we need God and we need the fellowship of church and other church goers more than ever.  Before everyone gets their undies in a bunch, I don't envy any church making the decision to stay open or to close. But I still am of the opinion that if you can go to a grocery store, a Walmart, a Target, a Costco or the World's Largest Candy Store that you can worship safely.  This is not a criticism of any church, just simply my opinion.

I also am of the opinion, if you are high risk or are in regular contact with people that are high risk?  You should stay home.

All that being said was simply background to understand where we are today.

Last week, (March 4th) I got to go back to church to work with our church confirmation youth band, Holy Commotion.  I didn't even realize how much I missed those kids and I missed sharing our faith through music.  

The world is broken in so many ways.  These kids have always been a light in the world to me so many others. I have felt so lost without a church family to lean on during these incredibly difficult times.  I see the depravity of the world and it's brokenness every day.

While the band was warming up, our final song was Messiah.  They sang it beautifully.  We hadn't been together in over a year and I got chills.  We need Jesus more than ever.  I am broken but made whole.

I said to our son when we were done last Wednesday, "It felt like going home."

MESSIAH

Someone's shouting from the dessert. Someone's shouting from the sea.
Someone's shouting from the mountain. Someone's shouting from the valley.

Messiah, Come and be our King.
Messiah, Come and be our King.

Someone's shouting from the city. I am young, I am cold.
Someone's shouting from the country. I am lonely, I am old.

Messiah, Come and be our King.
Messiah, Come and be our King.

Someone's shouting I am broken. Someone's shouting make me whole.
Someone's shouting come and change me. Someone's shouting save my soul.

Messiah, Come and be our King.
Messiah, Come and be our King.

(Larry Olson, ©1989 Dakota Road Music)

Scale: Slave to? Or Accountable To?

 Weightloss.   Everywhere you turn you see ads for quick and easy weight loss.   Pills, shakes, creams, and even laser therapies.  If you have followed me at all, you know I have struggled with my weight since our daughter got sick the first time.   I know I am repeating myself, but I am a major stress eater.  Knowing and understanding your eating habits and eating triggers is critical to success in weight loss.

Fast forward to this spring.   Gyms had been closed for three plus months.  Our business has been drastically affected by this pandemic as well.  That was a recipe for disaster for me.   Food for comfort, beer and pizza, wine, chips and so much more.   The latest health issue in our home if our son hurting his back over a year ago during off season baseball training.  That is another story, but let's just say, unsupervised weight training with young high school athletes is a REALLY bad idea.  He has struggled a lot and missed a lot of baseball as well.  The masses of tests, emergency room visits and so much more has been stressful to say the least.

We trusted so many people and medical professionals to figure out what was going on with his back.  The answer?   I don't know.  His tests are normal.  We finally turned to a long time friend and person trainer Jason Ivesdal.  Jason is the perennial student and is always studying and learning to better service his clients.   Our son started training with Jason and working on building back his strength and mobility.  Of course then COVID hit.  there was no more training with Jason for over 3 months.  But, this isn't about our son.  I always went along to our son's training sessions with Jason.  Jason and I would chat about a lot of different things during those sessions.

One very emotional day for me, I said to him with tears in my eyes, "I can't be like this anymore, I need your help to lose this weight for good.".   His simple answer, "I will help you."

I will write more about the process later, but right now I want to talk about the scale.   I have been a slave to the scale for many years.   If I had a night of beer and pizza, I would step on the scale the next day.  I would get frustrated that the scale would go up significantly and it would take me days to get back to where I was.  I would get frustrated and say things like, "I won't ever be able to eat normal food again.  Every time I eat normal food I gain weight."  "I'm never going to get to my goal weight."  In the past the scale would make me feel like a failure.  It was not a healthy place for me to be so obsessed with the scale.   

The scale does not always reflect where you are in a weight loss journey.  There are other considerations.  For example:   Are you retaining water?  Do you have food allergies?  Are you working out and building lean muscle mass?   The scale is only one piece of a larger wellness puzzle.

So, I changed my focus.  Now I am excited to step on the scale and don't concern myself with how much it goes down. I am looking at the scale as a tool to help keep me on track.  I am learning what foods and what things make the scale go up slightly.  That way I can adjust my "normal" eating habits to not eat those things as frequently.   I also purchased a new scale.  This one has an app (doesn't everything) associated with it that lets you visually track your progress.  As an accountability tool, I make adjustments if I see the scale go up.  This will help me ultimately from rebounding and gaining the weight back.

My scale was also not accurate.  So many home scales are NOT!  That didn't help my cause.  So I decided to splurge on a new scale.  Withings Body Scale

                     

Who would have ever thought I would be excited about a scale?   This bad boy does all this:

• Tracks BMI & Weight Trends
• Up to 8 Users
• Wi Fi Synchronization
• Daily Weather Report
• Works with Multiple Health Apps
• Has a Baby & Pregnancy Mode (I am way beyond that but great for expectant Mother's!)

The hardest thing for me over the last few years is to remember that I AM Worthy.   This is a struggle for so many women.  I have lost weight and regained it more times than I can count anymore.  I know I have said this before, but it is time for ME.  Time to be healthy.  With all the craziness of this pandemic, it is even more important for people to care for the bodies God gave them.  Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of sleep and have a strong spiritual life.  That will help you stay healthy even through a pandemic!   I will write more about healthy living, but don't fall for quick weight loss scams.  Pills, shakes, etc.  They are not sustainable unless you want to continue purchasing and using those products for the rest of your life?   No gimmicks, no cheats, real food and exercise (full disclosure, I started with shakes, but there is a good reason for that - I only did them for 21 days). 

You are worth it.   I am worth it.  If you need to talk with someone about this, I am always available.

This post contains affiliate links.  If you purchase a product through an affiliate link I make a small commission at no cost to you.  This small commission keeps my husband happy when I spend too much time on things like this.  Thank you for your support!

DIY Thieves Household Wipes

Since the start of Covid people are much more conscious of cleaning and sanitizing surfaces.  At our house we have been using Thieves household cleaner for virtually everything.  No toxic fumes, smells great and has been proven successful in killing many little nasties in your home.  An even larger bonus is it is safe for children and/or pets.  Let me tell you from experience, teach your children EARLY how to clean and get them involved in the cleaning process.

The Clorox wipes and other similar products have safety warnings all over them.  I don't want to use products like that.  Over the years we have slowly moved to more plant based and natural products in our home.   With the lack of disinfecting wipes available during this pandemic it made so much sense to make our own!   You only need 4 things.

1.  Large roll of paper towels.  We like Bounty.   Of course you can purchase these at the grocery store but if you prefer to shop from home?   Bulk Paper Towels

2.  A bottle of Thieves household cleaner.

3.  A small container.  We like this one:    Favorite Container 

4.  Water

Directions:

• Cut your roll of paper in half.   
• Place it in the container.
• Mix In Bowl 2 Cups Water & 2 Capfuls Thieves Cleaner
• Pour the Water Mixture Over The Paper Towels

Voila' you are done.   Let the towels soak up the moisture.  Once the towels are wet you will be able to remove the cardboard tube from the center.  Our recommended container seals tightly to help keep moist.   Open the lid and pull wipes from the center!   Super easy.

On the go?   Pick up some of these refillable baby wipe containers and add a few of your paper towels to this for a portable option.  Wipe your hands, wipe down shopping carts and much more! 

Portable Wipes   

Thieves household cleaner can be used for many cleaning tasks in your home.  This product is highly concentrated and will make you MANY bottles of cleaning solution at a fraction of the cost.   Notice we only used 2 capfuls in the recipe above.  Here are recommended dilution ratios.

This post contains affiliate links.  If you purchase a product through an affiliate link I make a small commission at no cost to you.  This small commission keeps my husband happy when I spend too much time on things like this.  Thank you for your support!

Pandemic Gardening - Weeds Be Gone!

My Mother had beautiful, well tended gardens.  One of her best friends, Florence also had beautiful gardens on a large gorgeous wooded lot.  I remember as a child, going with my Mother to her home for lunch in the summer.  We would arrive there, walk down the hill to the screened gazebo (this is Minnesota after all and home to killer mosquitos).   I called her Aunt Florence because we spent so much time with them as a family it didn't seem right to call them Mr. and Mrs. Felber.  So they were Aunt Florence and Uncle Harvey.  Yes, I am that old that we called adults Mr. and Mrs. not their first names.  Inevitably, when we would arrive, Aunt Florence would be on her hands and knees at the edge of the garden.  She wore her big floppy hat and was always pulling weeds, digging in the dirt, moving plants to various places in the garden to create her version of beauty.  We always began with a tour of the garden.  The joy and the love Aunt Florence had for those plants was contagious.  She would point out new growth, beautiful blooms and talk about changes she was making to those gardens.

Her table was always impeccable.  Beautiful white floral table cloth and of course a vase of beautiful flowers in the center.   The table was set with beautiful china and all the silverware was placed to appease Miss Manners.  Sandwiches, iced tea with lemon and always a lovely home made pastry for desert.

 We have had the opportunity to do a lot more with our house and our yard this year.   Our neighbors are probably very thankful.  Unfortunately our son was unable to play baseball this summer.  This is probably the first summer in 14 years that we have not spent the majority of the summer on a ball field!

So, our backyard was a DISASTER!

We have a large back bed that has become completely overgrown with grass mostly.   Let me tell you it is A.  Ugly, B.  Hard to mow.  

This year I have taken the time to do much more planting and "playing" in the dirt.  Actually weeding the front beds so that our front yard actually looks decent.

Now on to the backyard.   The first thing we are tackling is that large back bed.   We are a toxic chemical free home as much as possible, so killing weeds safely is a real challenge.

Here is a testimonial from a friend that tried it.

Weed problems? Oh my gosh does this stuff rock!

Do you love our planet? Little changes add up to BIG changes!

Harsh chemicals like Round-Up sprayed on the cracks of the driveway and sidewalks DO make their way into our water supply - where we then ingest them.

Angela ordered this for me the other day and oh my gosh the weeds are just GONE! I believe she sprayed it on straight and 24 hours they were already withered!

I will be taking before and after pictures.   The plan is to spray tonight.   We will then bring in a load (or two) of black dirt.  Nothing like some manual exercise with a shovel and wheelbarrow!

                                                

Here is a link to purchase your own:    https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07W9HX3MV/ref=as_sl_pc_qf_sp_asin_til?tag=lhanken-20&linkCode=w00&linkId=4d984cf15d2aa0e59b2fdd1d209ae600&creativeASIN=B07W9HX3MV

During these crazy times, we are always looking for ways to naturally boost our immune system.   Vitamin D has been shown to naturally boost your immunity.  The best way to get Vitamin D naturally is through sunshine!    

Here is a great article on how gardening actually can make you HAPPY.   https://www.gardeningknowhow.com/garden-how-to/soil-fertilizers/antidepressant-microbes-soil.htm

Working in the soil is good for the soul.  You often hear people describe their garden's as their happy place.  Beautiful shades of green, gorgeous blooms of varying colors.  Gardening also is a natural stress reliever.    Being present in the moment while gardening naturally reduces stress and anxiety.  I like to say a prayer, thanking God for his amazing beauty while gardening.  Listen to the birds, the breeze in the trees.  It can be very calming.

I know the summer is almost over, but get out in your yards, dig in the dirt.  Plant some fall plants.  Be joyful in the moment.

Be Observant - Be Present

My parents survived the depression.   My Father was incredibly frugal.   He did very well in his business but he would still haggle over acorn squash prices at a roadside stand.   He would pick up people's trash (long before Bloomington curbside pickup), fix it and either sell it or use it in our home.   He had the funds to buy whatever he wanted, but he was always frugal.

We took a lot of vacations in the car.   We didn't stay at fancy hotels, we stayed at motels (do they even exist anymore?).   I was ecstatic if we stayed at a motel that had a pool.   My oldest brother is 18 years older than I am.  I am the youngest of 4 which means I was basically an only child.   Yes, we took some big trips to Europe (to see my other brother who was stationed in the army in Germany) and to Hawaii years later when I was in high school.     But MANY of our trips were road trips.   Drive to a place, stay in a motel, drive to another place, stay in a motel until you got to your destination.

I had the backseat to myself generally and I was really good at sleeping in the car.   I still have that skill if anyone wonders.   The beauty to me was that I would fall asleep and then wake up and we would almost be there.   I thought car rides were horribly boring.  My Mother would regularly say, "Lori if you sleep the whole car ride you will miss so much!"  I wasn't buying it at the time.

My parents bought a lake home when I was 2.   I grew up at that lake home.   We were at the end of a dirt road.   We didn't have a tv.   We listened to music, we played cards, we did puzzles, we rock hunted, we explored, we fished, we swam, we played yard games, we bird watched, we boated, we grilled, we gardened, we did yard work and every day we would "go for a walk down the road".   I remember those walks usually just with my Mother very fondly.   We would talk, look for agates, watch the birds, she would point out wildflowers.   We had reference books and when we saw particular birds or flowers we would look them up and mark in the books the date and location.  We were present in the moment and always observant of what was around us and the gift of nature that God provided.

             

I learned to be observant.    I learned to listen.   I learned to watch.   Boy, how much did I miss while sleeping on those car trips?  The joy she had in finding and seeing God's creation every day was infectious.   A sense of adventure and discovery was something I cherish now. 

Fast forward to today.   

I now understand my parent's frugality.   It came from experience.   It came from fear.   We have learned to be much better stewards of our money during these trying times.

The world has slowed down.   Time is all relative now.   Our society needed this change of pace.   

Cell phones, and being constantly connected is not good.   Everyday we see people walking by our house, looking at their phones or even talking on their phones with headphones.   Why is everyone afraid of silence?   True silence doesn't exist.   While you are walking you may hear the sound of a trickling creek, or the birds singing.  Even the sound of a chainsaw or a mower brings back memories of my childhood summers.   Open your eyes.   Look at the world and the people around you.   Listen to the beautiful music God provides outside.

Our family has become more connected through this shutdown.   We are going for walks together.  We are playing games.  If I can share a little of the joy my Mother shared with me I will pass along a legacy of beauty and joy.