The Sanctuary Was Empty

The sanctuary was mostly empty.  A full sized figure of Martin Luther sat in the back.  Our chairs were separated so that we could still practice 'social distancing'.   It was very surreal.   I would even say awkward at first.     I was a little self conscious (if you know me, that is not me - at all!) and a little anxious.  It felt like a HUGE responsibility to be there sharing God's word to all the people that no longer can come to church.  Little did I know, that I was the one to be blessed.

Like many churches, we use Holden's Evening Prayer for Lenten services.  I know the music and the words by heart.   But last night.   Those words.   Oh those words.   As the service continued I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace, love and awe.   Those words seemed so much more powerful.  Maybe I had been forgetting lesson #2 (see below).   It is so easy to go through the motions during a church service.  Not last night.    Those words washed over me.  There is Hope.  There is Peace.   There is Joy.  There is Love.

"Jesus Christ you are the Light of the world; the Light no darkness can overcome; Stay with us now for it is evening, and the day is almost over.  Let your Light scatter the darkness and shine within your people here.  Joyous Light of heavn'ly glory, loving glow of God's own face, you who sing creation's story, shine on every land and race.   Now as evening falls around us, we shall raise our songs to you, God of daybreak, God of shadows, come and light our hearts anew.  In the stars that  grace the darkness, in the blazing sun of dawn, in the light of peace and wisdom, we can hear your quiet song."

And, oh so powerful...

"Love that fills the night with wonder, love that warms the weary soul, love that burst all chains asunder, set us free and make us whole."

It continues....

"You who made the heaven's splendor, ev'ry dancing star of night, make us shine with gentle justice, let us each reflect your light."

I sang with every part of my heart and soul the canon that followed.   After worship was over, I found out that family members and many others were watching and singing along.   How powerful is that?   Satan has no hold.

"Let my prayer rise up, like incense before you, the lifting up of my hands as an offering to you.  O God, I call to you, come to me now; O hear my voice when I cry to you.   Keep watch within me God; deep in my heart may the light of your love be burning bright.  All praise to the God of all - Creator of life; all praise be to Christ and the spirit of love."

I love Lent.   I love the time for reflection and the quiet that seems to come with Lent.  Our church, Immanuel Lutheran in Eden Prairie, like many churches use Holden Evening Prayer for their Lenten worship.    This week we have been forced to "social distance" ourselves which means no in-person worship services.  What a time in the church year for this to happen.  Lent.   While we are preparing for God's biggest sacrifice and his biggest miracle.   We are forced to not worship together in a church building.

In my work with Holy Commotion, the youth confirmation band at Immanuel, I only want them to learn two things from me.

#1  Being a worship leader is all about giving glory to God through music.   It is not about your own glory or about your musical talents.   It is giving of your time and talents to glorify God.

#2  Really hearing and feeling the words while sharing worship music.

Last night, I felt both those lessons so dramatically it made me cry.

So, maybe this is a good thing.   We cannot hide behind our church walls anymore.  We cannot be safe together in a sanctuary.   We need to worship where we are.  All day.  Every day.  This situation has already taught me many things and I am sure I will continue to learn and grow as a person through this process.

When the service was over?  We all felt it.  We knew we really had just experienced something truly special.  I read the comments from the live stream when I got home.  Families worshiping by candlelight at home, people from afar joining us,  taking communion on their sofa,  worshiping against all odds.   It was such a blessing to me.

Why Do You Eat? Understand Your Triggers.

I am sure you have all been on pins and needles wondering where I have been and how I have been doing!   I have taken a little time away from the juicing and tried my hand at eating whole foods again. 

See, now, here is my issue.   I love to eat.   I have been trying to be mindful here now about what, when and why I eat?   I have discovered a number of things.

1.  I eat when I am bored.

Yes.   I admit it.   When I get home, or when I am bored I go and open up the fridge to see what is in there.   Usually, I don't pick something healthy.  Some pretzels, a cheese and crackers, lunch meat and of course the dreaded........   

POTATO CHIPS

Understanding your eating habits is a big part of the battle.  What are your triggers?   Do you know what they are?   

2.  I have a hard time stopping when I am satisfied.

Oh, this is such a learned behavior.   Again, I am not one to blame others, but I am of the 'clean your plate' generation.   You weren't allowed to leave the table until you cleaned your plate.

I won't tell you about the peas that I snuck to the dog so I wouldn't have to eat them.    I have to work really hard to be sure that I don't finish what is served, especially at a restaurant.   Serving sizes have become absolutely ridiculous at restaurants.   

A couple of tips at restaurants.

 - Avoid the bread basket!

 - Avoid heavy, creamy dressings and go for vinaigrettes or oil and vinegar

 - Ask the server to split your entree and put half in a box before it is served

 - Split your entree with a friend

 - Start with a green salad (but remember to avoid the creamy dressings)

 - Drink a large glass of water before you eat

 - Avoid alcohol if you are really trying to lose weight

3.  Enjoy your food/Eat slowly/CHEW

We live in such a rushed world and we are always (at our house) throwing down dinner or eating late, or eating breakfast in the car.   Food is something that should be enjoyed.   Chewing has been shown to help increase satiety.  Even if you are eating a green salad, sit down at the table and enjoy your food!   Chewing your food well also helps with digestion!

Here is a great article to read on that.   https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26188140

So, where am I at?   As I mentioned, I took a couple weeks where I focused on exercise and eating healthy.   As of this morning I am down a total of 22 pounds.   I am almost half way to my goal!   

What have I noticed?

• Increased Energy
• Sleeping Better
• Clothes Fit Better
• My skin is clearer and looks more lusturous
• I stand just a little bit taller now (I know I was tall to start)

#THISISMYJOURNEY, #IAMWORTHY

BHAG's - Update - Day #11

Weight Loss is a funny thing.  When you have more than 10 or 20 pounds to lose it can seem overwhelming.   What happens for me?  I lose the first chunk of weight.  I feel great.  I can see it in my face   My clothes fit differently.  Then reality hits.   I HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO!

It is easy to get frustrated.   It is easy to give up.   It is easy to say things like, "I'll never get there".

Yes I will.   I know I can do this.   What makes me even more excited is I am doing this on my own.   No fancy pills or shakes (all the shakes do is drop your calorie intake, so why wouldn't you just do that with whole foods?)

I have not wanted to share my goal because I guess I was embarrassed by how big that goal had become.  It meant I had let my emotions and other external factors affect my well being and affect my weight.

So, here it is...  My weight loss goal from my start date is 50lbs.   Ok.  I know there are people that have hundreds of pounds to lose.   I have HUGE respect for them.   But #THISISMYJOURNEY.

I have not given you the results of my 10 day juice cleanse.   I made it all 10 days and I didn't stray once!   That is a big goal for me.   Was it easy?   No.  Would I do it again?   Yes.  Actually, today I am on day 4 of another 5 days.  I will fill you in on the Chicago weekend a bit later.

But for now...   Here are the final 10 day results.

I have a long way to go.  For the naysayers and doubters out there.  I am 9 days since day 10 and I am continuing to lose weight.   I haven't gained it all back.  I am not passing out.  I took a weekend off and then today is day 5 of another 5 days.  I will post day 5 results tomorrow.

Let me just say, the gains (or losses in this case) far outweigh the challenges.

#IAMWORTHY, #THISISMYJOURNEY

Forgiveness - Day #10 - Did You See How Fat She Is? - Part Deux

Forgiveness has a release and a lightness that goes with it.  Holding on to anger, hurt and hatred takes a lot of negative energy.   PLUS, it is not what Jesus wants us to do. 

If you have been following my journey, you know some pretty hurtful words were said about me.    A series of events including this one propelled me to make a change and make it BIG.

Another one of those events that I have not shared is when we were in Arizona for a baseball tournament.   It was just our son and me on that trip.  The weather was beautiful.  A couple of younger and much more fit Mom's were going to go hiking.  I chose to say no.  I knew I would hold them back and didn't want to do that.  Others sat by the pool.  I chose to not go to the pool because I was embarrassed of my body.  I was absolutely wallowing in misery and self pity.  Pretty pathetic.   Here I was in all this beauty and I sat in my room and worked, and read, by myself.

Notice that I used the word 'chose'.   I wasn't forced.  I chose to be miserable.   Joy, contentment, happiness?   Those are all choices too.

That trip was a real turning point for me.   Our daughter was still fighting a serious illness so it wasn't time for me to act.   But it was always there.  The desire to change it.

Long story short.   I forgive myself for wallowing in self-pity, for not caring for myself and for letting myself get to the place I was.   I forgive the person that said those words to me.  I will say again, they define her, not me.   I feel a lightness.  No pun intended.  This lightness is in my heart.  Before you say something negative about someone, look in your heart to see why you are saying it?   Are you hurt or angry and need to lash out at someone else?   It really doesn't make you feel better.

Most importantly, if you hear a friend or someone else say something like that about someone else, tell them, "THAT IS NOT OK!!!!!!!"  Trust me, if they are talking like that about someone behind their back, most likely they talk about you behind your back too.   TELL THEM - NO!

I know that was kind of a random thought sequence right there.  Welcome to my brain.

For me, I FORGIVE MYSELF AND I FORGIVE YOU.

This is the last day of this juice only juice cleanse.   I feel great.   I still have a journey ahead of me and the next 4 days present a great challenge to me that I am ready to take on.

I will weigh and measure in the morning before heading to the gym.  Thanks for following along.  Stay if you want.   My journey is not over.

#THISISMYJOURNEY
#IAMWORTHY

My Heart Is Full - Day #9

There were times in the last 9 days that I wanted to quit.   I wanted to give in.   I just wanted to eat whole food.   Notice, I did not say real food.   Juice is real food.   My family has been amazingly supportive. 

My poor family is not really eating much because at first it was hard for me to cook when I wasn't partaking.  I hope they know how much I appreciate their support.   Not eating, the mess in the kitchen, my 'occasional' moodiness on this journey and so much more.

I have been holding on to this little gem since I started.    When I got out my gratitude journal to start this journey I found a letter.   I don't know when it was written, but it came from our lovely daughter.

Here is the text.  Misspellings and all.  I can tell by the writing, the context and the spelling/punctuation that she was quite a bit younger.

To: Mommy I <heart> U

My Mom has made me laugh, made me cry, wiped my tears, hugged me tight, watched me succeed, seen me fail, cheered me on, kept me going strong, and drove me crazy.

But in the end it is all ok and every bad or crazy things that have happened to you, because you guys got in a fight or something, it's worth it.  All it does is bring you to closer together.   You need to be close to your Mom and luckily I am.  She is my best friend, the person who I go and tell everything to.  Sure we may fight but every Mom and daughter do, but I do know that my Mom is the one person who can make me smile from a million miles away.  The best things happen when I am with my Mom, like rolling the windows down in the car and cranking the music up so we can sing like no one is listening, or just laughing together.   Just being with her is a new adventure.  That is what makes my Mom special.  Theese are the memorys that I will remember forever, cherish and love even after she is gone.  As I get older I will only become harder to deal with, I may get an attitude and think my Moms weird and unfair but I will always remember that:

Moms are a promise from God that you will have a friend forever.   But I have to disagree, I didn't get a friend, I got a hero.

I love you and always will Mom

Happy Mothers day.


#THISISMYJOURNEY
#IAMWORTHY

David, Elsie & Porter thank you from the bottom of my heart.   I love you all more than anything!

Week One Results - Day 8

I know you have all been waiting with baited breath for my week one results.  Ha!   Seriously though, I was excited and anxious to measure this morning.  I know where the scale has been and have been pleased with that, but I know that the scale can be very misleading.  Here are a few reasons.

1. If I even look at salt (ok that is a sight exaggeration) the scale will go up the next day.   
2. I also know that I am not getting a ton of protein and that I can be burning muscle instead of fat.  I am ok with that right now.*  
3. Plus, I know the first week can be a lot of water weight.

*Here is a great article that talks about muscle loss and how to avoid it during a juice.  I have been adding in the fruits and veggies that are high in amino acids to counteract this.   I am confident that I have not lost a lot of muscle in my 7 days.  https://www.livestrong.com/article/556855-solutions-to-minimize-loss-of-muscle-while-juice-fasting/

BUT, measurements don't lie.

So drum roll please.... (This feels really weird for some reason
to me to share this).

Pounds GONE FOREVER ----- 10.6

Inches Lost

Chest - 1.5"  (of course your boobs get smaller first)
Waist - 1"
Hips - 2"
Thigh - .5"
Calf - .5"

Total of 6.5"

I am very pleased! 

• I do feel lighter.   
• You can see it in my face.   
• Our daughter came home from a weekend trip and said, "Mama you look skinnier".  
• Clothes that were tight are a little bit looser.   

Now is the time for me to push through and keep on.   I know the results will start to slow down, but progress is progress.  There is no magic pill.  There is no quick fix.  This is a lifestyle change.

Every pound counts.   If you think that losing just one pound is not very much, take a look at this.

Improvements

Sleeping Better
Night Sweats Gone
More Clarity
More Energy
Inches Gone
Pounds Gone
Morning joint pain gone (foot and hip)

I am going to keep this short and sweet.  Lots to do at work today and lots of energy this morning to get it done!

This week, I am adding in more weight training to start building more muscle.   You know muscle burns more fat right?  SO BRING ON THE MUSCLES BABY!

When you exercise, you use muscle. This helps build muscle mass, and muscletissue burns more calories -- even when you're at rest -- than body fat. According to Wharton, 10 pounds of muscle would burn 50 calories in a day spent at rest, while 10 pounds of fat would burn 20 calories.May 11, 2007

8 Ways to Burn Calories and Fight Fat - WebMD

https://www.webmd.com/diet/obesity/features/8-ways-to-burn-calories-and-fight-fat

I still have this Chicago trip coming up (maybe).   Working on a plan so I don't lose ANY progress.

#IAMWORTHY
#THISISMYJOURNEY

You Don't Sweat Much For A Fat Girl- Day 7

There is a clarity that comes with juicing for me.   Maybe it is the massive simplification of your diet that gives you the opportunity to look at things.   I don't really know.   I was visiting with my sister yesterday about eating habits and how they are formed by your parents and your childhood.

Somewhere along the line, I became uncomfortable with my weight and/or my body.  I was skinny for many many years.   I was actually skinny for more of my life than I have been overweight (not using the word fat - that word is ugly to me).  In high school I was 5'11" and weighed 130 pounds.   Far from overweight.  I put on the proverbial 5 pounds in college.  Yes it was only 5 because we walked and biked everywhere!   I was still far from overweight. 

That's me sitting behind the piano in high school.  Of course none of my high school photos are digital.  I'll have to look for some to scan.   The sad thing?  I don't like pictures now and I don't let anyone take my picture.

I remember high school, when I would sit on the sofa, with friends, I would always put a pillow in my lap over my stomach.   I don't know why, but I still do it to this day.   I also remember my Mother always wanting me to buy clothes that were too big for me.   I remember clearly buying a skirt and jacket and her telling me that I was a big girl and needed a large size.   Keep in mind sizes have changed over the years.  What was a 14 is probably now a 12 or even a 10  She wanted me to buy size 16's.  The skirts were always too big and the jacket was baggy.

Here is an article showing the evolution of women's clothing sizes.   http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3198374/Chart-reveals-clothing-sizes-changed-past-60-years-shows-size-12-Marilyn-Monroe-00-8-today.html

I don't know why she thought I needed a larger size than what fit me.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not blaming her.  She was not doing anything to hurt me.   Here is another good one.  I had a boyfriend in college that thought it was really funny to say, "You don't sweat much for a fat girl."   I dated a guy after college that told me, "I don't mean to offend you, but your arms don't look good in a sleeveless shirt."   Anytime someone starts a sentence with, 'I don't mean to offend you,' it probably shouldn't be said.

So... long and the short.  Did all these things affect me?   I really don't know.   But acknowledging all those things can only help me.   I release that past completely.   I am where I am.  I am beautiful.  I am loved.  I am worthy.   I am making changes for me because I am worthy,  not because of my past.

Day 7 is just about over.   I will weigh and take measurements in the morning to see the results of week one. 

#IAMWORTHY
#THISISMYJOURNEY